


More stars than there are in heaven

by itardisbluemyself



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Just a bunch of unfinished stuff, Other, Poetry, Tiny Writings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 06:53:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16153883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itardisbluemyself/pseuds/itardisbluemyself
Summary: A collection of old tiny writings involving Clara Oswald and the Doctor. Drafts, unfinished stuff. A lot of pain. All inspired by songs.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding a ghost

_You know there's no need to hide away_  
_You know I tell the truth_  
_We are just the same_  
_I can feel everything you do_  
_Hear everything you say_  
_Even when you're miles away_  
_'Coz I am me, the universe and you_

**Universe and U by Kt Tunstall**

 

The Doctor asks himself if looking at her was always this painful before. If her eyes have always mirrored his own, like they do now; the silent agony of all the things they could have been and never were …..and never will.  
It has always been a love story.  
But this is the catch: it’s a tragedy in disguise.  
And something more, a curse.  
It is a truth universally acknowledged; he loves her and she loves him. And their love could burn the universe to ashes.  
He closes his eyes and remembers how he had never had a choice. How she was the first thing, this face saw so many time ago. The first beats of his new hearts were just for her.  
This face was born to love her.  
And he can’t help himself. He wants her with him again. He wants to open his brand new eyes and see her standing next to him, in the Tardis as it should be. He wants her to be his new face first. She wants Clara Oswald in every molecule of his body, in every space inside him, in every beat of his heart.  
The Doctor can feel the spark of a flame catching up, the ghost of a fire rising up. He feels the power of the hybrid making a nest of his bones. Their curse running through his veins carrying the songs of wastelands, burnt words and dying stars.  
She can’t be with him when he changes.  
The universe would be lost.  
He feels her small hand against his cheek, thumb circling his cracked skin.  
When he opens his eyes again, she’s smiling at him.  
How could he have ever forgotten her? The way her eyes light up like stars being born, her lips half-moons hanging in a starry night. She’s that familiar song at the back of his head. ‘This is Clara Oswald’ he thinks ‘in all her devastating beauty’. He can remember her and finally the universe has right itself.  
_“Clara Oswald”_ He says smiling back at her _“I’ve missed you”_


	2. I'll let west carve you into a song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes place after Hell Bent and The Husbands of River Song.  
> The Doctor looks for a ghost.

_And sometimes our compass breaks_   
_And our steady true north fades._   
_We’ll be just fine._

**West by Sleeping at last**

 

This is how it begins, with a plump American man waking him up and a familiar pretty face fading away…..

“Sir? Are you alright?”

He opens his eyes and for a second the sun blinds him enough to drag him into consciousness. That’s when he feels it, an unexpected numbing pain like a wave crushing against shore. _“No, I’m not okay. There’s a hole in my chest, there’s……”_

“Where am I? How did I get here? He asks roughly, standing up.

“Clara said to look after you” says the man softly “She said you might be a bit… upset”.

He looks at the man and then at the dry landscape surrounding him without understanding neither one of them. He feels something sliding out of his mind with every blink of his eyes.

“Clara?” the name escapes his lips and it surprises him how his tongue seems to caress the syllables with such familiarity. **And yet** ….

“Yeah. She was right here, I don’t know where she went.” Says the man looking around.

“Clara?” he manages again “Clara who?

 **And yet** , the name doesn’t ring a bell, but he feels like it should. His fingers brush against his palm and he feels an aching in his hands.

“I don’t know. Just Clara”

“Well, that isn’t very helpful, is it? He spats looking angrily.

The man steps back, unsure of what to do.

“Where am I?” he asks again trying to sound polite. He wants to clear his mind but his head feels heavy and heated. He feels like closing his eyes for a week.

“Well” starts the man nervously “You’re in Nevada. America, Sir”

“I’m in Nevada?” he groans covering his face with his right hand. He looks at the man through his fingers whispering confidentially “Last time I was here, I was killed”

“You were.. what?”

“Wait, I think that was the second time. First time, I think it was in Atacama. There was definitely an alpaca”

“What?!”

“Well not quite. Never mind”

The man looks absolutely helpless and a bit scared. Considering he is the only way out of his current strange dry location, the Doctor tries to be more civil.

“I think my head is a bit wobbly” he says with the tip of his fingers brushing against his forehead “I’m talking nonsense….I need water and a ride”

He feels like he had said her name a million times before. He knows, but isn’t enough to impregnate it with meaning. He whispers her name one more time before getting into the car, and the hot dusty breeze carries it thought the desert like a forgotten pry. This is how it goes: he doesn’t remember her, but he can feel all the empty spaces she had left inside him. He feels like one of his hearts has stopped beating since the day she ran away and the other had to carry the weight of his life. “No” he realizes “She had took it with her” And he knows he isn’t strong enough to survive with one heart, so he starts looking for her. His mind is a broken compass and she’s a ghost hiding in the desert. Some nights, bad nights, she’s the only thing plaguing his mind. “Who are you?” “Where are you” “what have done to me?” “Why is your name the only thing I can think of?” Clara…..Clara …why does your name feels like a burning star in the tip of my tongue about to collapse?” Clara….Clara….Clara” Sometimes he swears he can almost see her: a shadow moving through the night, the glimpse of a smile sparkling in a street of Las Vegas, a laugh ringing like a bell in a passing car. She’s every women he sees and none of them at all. She’s always sand sliding out of his hands. Some nights, bad nights, he fears he might never be whole again.


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm the fury in your head_   
_I'm the fury in your bed_   
_I'm the ghost in the back of your head_

**Spanish Sahara by Foals**

 

He meets Diogo on his third night in Las Vegas. Handsome face, infectious laugh, bright as a summer day. He is a Brazilian citizen of the world, at least that’s how he introduced himself. “I’ve been everywhere” he tells him one night “all over the world” He’s the only bartender who doesn’t seems to be intimidated by him.  

“Pfffff” he exclaims “I’ve been everywhere too, but in the universe. Everywhere in the universe”

 Diogo laughs loudly, his white teethes sparkling like city lights.

 “You’re drunk, Basil”  

His laugh echoes like thunder claps. Half bottle of wine and he’s already telling too much. At least he was able to drink the thing. Chin face couldn’t sip Earl grey without falling on his face.

“I should’ve drink apple juice” says the Doctor giving accusatory glances to the empty glass of wine. “I feel very stupid”

Diogo contemplates him for a moment and his face softness with something the Doctor recognize in angry haze. It’s funny, apparently being tipsy helps him seeing emotions more clearly. He can see compassion spilling from Diogo like champagne in New Year’s Eve. “Apple juice isn’t going to cure your sadness, old man”

“I’m not sad” he says offended flapping his hands around “I’m just extremely pensive”

The man just gives him a very condescending look that makes him feel like a 5-year spoiled child. He doesn’t like the feeling. He likes to be the 2000 and something year old mysterious and clever space man who travels through time and space. To cool and wise to be smothered.  

“See” he says trying to compose himself, putting his fist under his jaw. The perfect image of Rodin’s thinker “pensive just pensive”

 Diogo sighs shaking his head.

It can’t be helped he thinks. He’s been very nonsensical these days. He is following a ghost through the dessert like a lost man seeking water. With just a name and the hollow of her shape in his heart.

“I bet it was a girl”

His heart stops a beat. Somewhere, miles away the other heart she took with her beats faster than a hummer bird’s wings.

“Why do you think that?” he asks tightening his jaw.

“I’ve seen the signs before” says the man cleaning imaginary dirt on the counter with a cloth. “They are very good at that…”

“What? Turning people into alcoholics?

“Breaking hearts” says Diogo simply.

“Ha” says the Doctor without a hint of humor in his voice “That’s the truth behind every love song for you”

Diogo smiles

“I suppose you know about that. So tell me about Clara?”

The Doctor looks at the bartender in bewilderment.

“Don’t look so shocked, you’ve been repeating that name all night,” he says smiling smugly “So who’s Clara?”

It’s strange, hearing someone else asking the question that have been tormenting him for months. He feels a little less insane. He looks at Diogo’s kind eyes and for a split second he’s tempted to spill it all out. But he can’t bring himself to say anything.

Because she’s a ghost. She’s nothing more than a name whispered in the heated air of the dessert. Not enough for a love story.

“If you don’t want to talk about it its fine by me,” says Diogo shrugging slightly “but try to look less miserable.  You are scaring my clients away”

With that, the man puts another glass of wine in front of him and walks off towards two blond women three sits away from him.


	4. Chapter 4

_I'll always keep you with me_  
_You'll be always on my mind_  
_But there's a shining in the shadows_  
_I'll never know unless I try_

_**Home by Gabrielle Aplin**_

 

     He lets his heart lead the movement of his hands. He can’t rely on his brain to do the job. He plays with his eyes closed until the notes aren’t notes anymore. Until the shape of a smile sparkles with the touch of the D string, until the softness of a forgotten voice ricochets through his core like a lullaby. He’s carving her into a song like a sculpture made out of clay. He opens his eyes and looks up at the sky. The stars are listening silently, the only witnesses of his sudden outburst of melancholy. They seem to blink and shine at the song’s accords. And the Doctor can’t help himself.“Listen” he pleads softly “Take it with you. Carry the music through all time and space. Let her know…please just let her know I don’t remember her, but I feel the hole she left inside. Let her know …. I miss her…Tell her I’m looking for her ”When he finishes his serenade, the stars are long gone.He feels the universe owning him better. But what does he knows about that?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in "the woman who died" episode.

__May the days stay sweet  
May your steady heartbeat  
Be the good in me  
The good in me

** The loved ones by Sanders Bohlke **

 

And something more…something aching right in the back of his head. But his line of thoughts is interrupted by a much known pair of boots making their way towards him. He’s not surprise to see Clara watching him, leaning over the warehouse doorframe. He always waits for her to come after him. Its instinct. She has the power to change his mind. She’s good with words and she always makes him feel like one of her school pupils. He knows why, but isn’t easy to admit she’s usually right and he always wrong.

Her eyes are dying stars eternally collapsing, a burning force setting him alive. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for her and the though scares him more than he would ever let her know.

Sometimes he feels she’s the sun of his particular solar system. Every one of him a planet orbiting her, and he’s the closest of them all. And even when he’s a wasteland of dust, craters, and desserts, her mere existence is enough to make his ground burst alive. He can’t live without her and he doesn’t want to.  That’s the only truth guiding him through the universe these days.

He feels her tiny hand against his face and his hearts skip a beat. Her touch is sunlight running through his atmosphere, breaking into his surface, heating the cracked ground of his skin. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little poem post "Face the raven"

 

Oh, If I could follow you throught the dark, my love  
I would take your hand and with a kiss   
I would have set our souls on fire   
to navigate the emptiness of death    
Burning like a dying star, together collapsing before fading away from time  
To die with you the sweetest of tragedies   
But the voyage of your existence is taking you where I cannot follow you  
Eternity is the place where our paths take different ways  
Where my soul can’t reach yours   
I will not cease to be, leaving a trail of scars through time and space  
While you will carve my hearts with the finality of your end   
When you leave I can promise you one thing  
Your name will be immortality spilling from my lips


End file.
